In The Shadow of the Pierats

“What is this wretched hellhole of effluent and scum?” seethed Majnun, Pierats team captain and all-round super-thrower, as the team coach pulled into deepest Blackburn. Some local two-headed ladies, inebriated almost to the point of oblivion, tore off their soiled undergarments in a lustful frenzy and threw them at the coach as it drew near. They stuck to the side of the team transport with a wet slopping noise and a smell of manure. Majnun was sick in his mouth.

“Let’s get this game won and get out of this sticky jizzrag of a town before I lose my temper!” he roared as the team disembarked and piled into the Shuffle’s stadium, raking their claws along the freshly-painted corridors as they raced through the stadium underbelly and onto the pitch.

Just 13,000 spectators had bothered to turn out for the opening game of the season, with 4,000 Pierats fans making a din in the cramped away end. Electing to kick seemed to enrage the home fans; a double 6 on the kick off with a FAME of +2 for the dwarfs saw most of the rats getting their heads kicked in from the resulting pitch invasion.

Fortunately, short dwarven legs can’t get a wriggle on when required, especially when their ball carrier is being hunted by a couple of determined gutters, and the rats were all stood up again at the beginning of the dwarfs 3^rd turn, admittedly brawling in close quarters and getting their furry rat noses squished for their troubles.

Slowly but surely the dwarves removed the Pierats from the pitch and advanced inexorably towards the first score of the game, but miraculously, as the dwarven runner stretched his little legs and made a break for it, Nicodemus (he’s a rat, honest), came out of nowhere and flattened the poor little blighter.

He scooped up the ball, and with time running out in the first half, made some space for himself and launched a pass forward to a waiting gutter.... only for a dwarven safety to pull off an amazing interception, leaving the scores tied 0-0 at half time.

After the halftime oranges failed to revive the sleeping Pierats, the remainder decided to go on the offensive and try and score quickly, then hope the shortlegs wouldn’t have the manoeuvring capabilities to outflank the rapidly diminishing rat numbers.

Working the ball out to the right, Majnun, Pierats team captain and all-round super-thrower, rocketed a pass into the waiting claws of Raga, who scampered away from the despairing clutches of the shorties for the opening score of the game.

1-0!!

Credit goes to my opponent here for not punching me in the face as I did my touchdown dance.

Now it was all hands to the pump on defence as the dwarven baddies hammered our heroic rats into a verminous paste in the name of vengeance.

Again the dwarves advanced down their right flank, and the remaining rats did a sterling job of tying them up until, with time running out, the Shuffle had no option but to make a break for the end zone, gifting Majnun, Pierats team captain and all-round super-thrower the opportunity to blitz the stunties’ little square head off.

That was the cue for a scrum around the ball, but there wasn’t time for the dwarfs to despatch the rats and scoop up the ball before the ref blew for full time.

Final Score: Zhuffbar Shuffle 0-1 Lancashire Pierats

Attendance: 13,000

MVP: Damug (Pierats)